I am having a bit of an existential crisis this weekend, something that happens every time I head out to seek work. This particular crisis was precipitated by my decision that I really need to get off my a** (word bleeped in deference to my mother) and get a job.
When we first arrived in Brockport, I revamped my resume and sent it along with cover letters to many of the archives and libraries in the area - the only response coming from the archivist at SUNY Brockport. She wanted to hire me, but didn't have the funds; I have been volunteering with her since October, but since it is a volunteer position, no money is involved. Anyway, after that round of thundering silence, I retreated into self-delusion or denial and somewhat happily stayed at home, enjoying my "freedom."
The problem is that "freedom" for me usually ends in boredom and minor depression. Not to mention some amount of poverty. We aren't exactly on the brink of ruin, but it sure would be nice to have some extra money. So, I have decided to seek temp work in Rochester - just something to add to the family pot, and get me out of the house and away from the cats. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with temp work - I have done it before and made good money and had an interesting education in the workings of the local power company - but I am dreading the process.
This is where the crisis comes in. I absolutely hate the job seeking process. It makes me feel like I have no marketable skills (not true), which makes me feel useless (again, not true, but there is little arguing with my very strong irrational side), which in turn makes me hate the capitalistic system we live in and ends with me wanting to overthrow the entire world economy. So, here I am again - wanting to both keep my freedom that is driving me up a wall, and wanting to have more money so I can enjoy my freedom. I know that all of this is not logical, and in my saner moments I can talk myself into believing that there is nothing wrong with having a job, and that I will not lose all my free time (after all, I HAVE had jobs before, and for the most part, I was able to do all I wanted). I just hope I can get the saner moments to triumph long enough for me to get a job. Once I have one I will be fine, it is just getting there that is difficult.