So, I have talked recently about how I am changing my view of myself, trying not to think about weight, instead focusing on health and fitness, and how I am going to run a 5K. But it isn't a permanent shift to a better attitude. It probably never will be. Lately, I have been, for various reasons, feeling fat, feeling dumpy, feeling like I need to eat sugar and goodies (which really doesn't help the fat thing either). It is a constant struggle to remind myself to love my tree, to remember that my self worth does not depend on my jeans size, that a diet won't make me happy, that I am not in competition with anyone else - that what I can do is between me and my yoga mat (as my new yoga teacher is fond of saying in class), or between me and my treadmill. But it is a struggle worth having, because the alternative is to be unhappy forever, to hate myself, to hide away behind some false facade that is not me.
So, I begin again. As one of the meditation teachers I have been reading says, (and I am paraphrasing) Begin again, even if you have to do it over and over again. That is the practice. Breathe in, breathe out, begin again.
Exactly. And mathematically speaking, any effort, any increase, is infinitely greater than none at all. We are not linear creatures, but rather travel upward in a spiral -- Yeats' gyres, if I may allow my liberal-arts pretentious to show for a moment. Progress comes not despite the internal conflict, but because of it . . .
ReplyDeleteWay to begin again. I weigh less than I have at any time since I had mono in grad school, but I'm constantly irritated about my lack of energy, my inability to fit so much as a walk into my schedule, the deficiencies of my diet. I am totally impressed by your tennis, your training, your general commitment to health. Every week is a new week!
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